How To Majestically Screw Up Your University Years

Follow these 7 tips to create more havoc in your life.

White female student with long brown hair, a white sweater in a library, reaching out to grab a book on eye level on a shelf.
White female student with long brown hair, a white sweater in a library, reaching out to grab a book on eye level on a shelf.
This is a library. Do not visit such a place. There is knowledge to be gained. In order to fail in university and life, we want to build useless habits. Reading isn’t one of them — Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
  1. Or pick a course purely for the fancy title you’ll receive at the end, ideally one where you collect tons and tons of student debt that will suffocate you mentally and financially for years to come. Oh, the sacrifices we make for status symbols... Ideally this course takes years longer than a “regular” four-year program. Let’s follow the doctor’s or engineer’s path. Your parents will love it! They’ll finally be able to brag about their beloved child studying to become someone useful who contributes to society. More importantly: you’ll impress your Tinder dates. And that’s all that matters.
  2. You already have your heart set on a specific field? Screw that. Choose the same program your friends choose! You’ll be hating your life, sitting in lecture halls being bored out of your skull because the topics interest your friends, but not you. But that doesn’t matter! At least your high school buddies will be there to lift you up. Not really though; they’re focused on building a career and paying attention in class, as they are interested in the topics that your entire program is centered around.
  3. Treat your peers and professors like dirt, so they remember that you’re a piece of shit and they’ll never be inclined to help you further down the road. Who needs them anyway? The chances you’ll meet them after university are practically zero in this digital, overly connected world where jobs are passed along on every thinkable Social Media platform. You surely don’t need them to help you out or connect you to that one person you desperately want to be mentored by, or to a contact at this company where you’re applying for your dream job. Nah.
  4. Don’t spend all your time paying attention in class. You might end up learning something! That is something we want to prevent. Instead, kill your precious brain cells by hitting the town and getting hammered, at least three times a week. It’s a better future investment to build personal relationships with the bouncers of your favourite clubs, so you can skip the queue and get hammered even faster after your last college of the week. Or first. Who cares.
  5. Hate what you’re studying? Why change majors when you can sit it out, all the way to the end! You’re only wasting away years of your life, but that’s okay! You’ll do something different once you’re done. Let’s ignore the possibility of being completely done with attending classrooms the moment you graduate. That doing something different afterwards? That might never happen.
  6. Do not make a plan on what to do after graduation. We’ll think about that when we get there. When you do get there and you still have nothing lined up? Oops.

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Writing my way to progress. Topics: personal growth, life lessons, tooling & (failed) ventures.

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